Miemo: I saw a recipe for 'Asian ravioli ...ain't that shit called dumplings?

I mean, 72 ain't bad

Steph: This guy at work is trying to eat 100 McNuggets in an hour. Everyone is betting against him. (an hour later) He got to 72 and threw up. 

Legit email exchange between Dad the the aunts

Aunt #1: Try this combination of salad, which is what I'm having now for lunch: arugula, sliced or halved marinated kumquats, (marinate them in a bit of EVOO for couple hours), sprinkles of blue cheese + a bit of olive oil and lemon juice. Very refreshing.

Aunt #2: What's EVOO?

me: Extra virgin olive oil.

Aunt #3: C'est quoi, EVOO?

Aunt #1: vina vient de dire: extra virgin olive oil

Dad: Extra virgin olive oil! Don't you watch cooking shows?!

Aunt #1: Only Rachel Ray calls it EVOO. The others, Bobby Flay, the fat Italian guy, and the Barefoot Contessa, they talk normally and don't abbreviate.

Aunt #2: I don't watch cooking shows. I watch Breaking Bad - they cook meth.

cannibals for cheeks

Strangers: stop saying you want to "eat my cheeks." Keep those cannibal thoughts to yourself.
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) December 19, 2013

Moonshine because I ball so hard.

Just kidding, it's Pedialyte, I'm dehydrated from the flu. 

S sent this to me and I snort-laughed in the middle of the market. Happy Monday, everyone! 

and I won't have my sister, who was once the Queen of the Mardi Gras, sit at a table with a pickle-shooting train!

I tried to explain Nothing But Trouble, one of my favorite movies, to someone today. It did not go well. 

“Oh! It's this great movie with John Candy, Dan Akroyd, Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, even one of the Baldwin brothers, 2PAC IS IN IT! Chevy Chase and Demi Moore go on some road trip and they end up at this crazy jail/courthouse/funhouse situation. Dan Akroyd is this super crazy-ass old judge, some druggies get chomped in this wild can-crusher thing, there are these twins, Bobo and Lil Debil. YOU JUST GOTTA WATCH IT OK!!”

I don't care if Nothing But Trouble won a bunch of awards for being the worst movie ever. I love and quote it all the time, especially that pickle-shooting train line. Ah, that gets me every time. 

Um, that right, Kemosabe.

me: When I first saw the [Lone Ranger] trailer, it took a second to realize that that was Johnny Depp.
Justin: Yeah. I mean, he's a good actor. Soon he'll be playing MLK.

“hahahahah I can't wait to show this to Margaret.”

I posted this.

Baker Nathan commented this.

But my phone showed me this. 

This girl.

Newdorf: Match.com keeps emailing me. I keep telling them that they sell lies.

gimme little sugar

Side note, Jimmy Savile reminds me of Uncle Fester in Addams Family Values when he had on that ridiculous wig:

He's not a fan.

me: [looking for files in office]

Chef Dan: [walks in, sits down at computer] You know you're a douche?

me:...yes, I apologize for that, chef. 

Chef Dan: Not YOU! Apple! They put their fucking logo on everything! And their screen saver even says how many phones they've sold recently! What the fuck! Who do you fucking think you are, McDonalds!? 

[in Lao]
French Aunt: Here, close this suitcase for me, I recently had eye surgery.
Fredericksburg Aunt: Sopha closed it for you already! See? It's closed!
French Aunt: I DIDN'T SEE IT, OK? I ONLY HAVE ONE EYE RIGHT NOW!

No longer at the Top of the World

Stephanie: Chumbawumba broke up. So sad. lulz.

That's right, kama'aina! You roast that whole pig and hula for the haoles!

[via text, from Hawaii]
Stephanie: We are going to a luau tomorrow night. I hope I don't get depressed like when I go to the zoo or the dolphin shows.

(Side note, I know an unusually high amount of pidgin Hawaiian slang for a mainlander. Ah, I suppose it makes sense; my parents used to live on Molokai and I have plenty of family on Oahu.)