had to rack my 90s brain for these track titles

Nick: No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom still holds up. Sunday Morning. 

me: Excuse Me? Mister, I'm Just A Girl. Hey You, I'm going to End It On This: You Can Do It. Happy Now? 

Side note, cut to me spending a few minutes trying to decide between “rack my brain” or “wrack my brain” - it was nerve-(w)racking for sure. No Doubt. 

vinstagram: dinosaur baby snatcher, stickers, and spoon doodles

I asked Caleb for a spoon doodle. He did not disappoint. 

Restaurant Eve family reunion! 

 Velvet Lounge on U Street. Man, I love stickers.

Chromeo at Sweetlife Festival. Totally worth all the teenyboppers, clusterfucks, and contact highs. 

Dinosaur baby snatcher!!

You ever think to yourself, “I should carve a Willendorfian lady in a bikini out of a sweet potato?”

Um, me neither.

Up the road apiece, there's a orchard.

“Now if you ever want to eat a sauerkraut sandwich again, you gotta show me on this map where they are, you gotta tell me how many there are, and you gotta tell me what kinda artillery they're carrying with 'em.” 

One could say what happens when I discover giant cans of sauerkraut is...glourious. (Not even sorry for that.)

I also quoted Down Periscope, but no one got it. Mingers.

Forget rose petals, I’m going to hire someone to throw ice melt when I walk, King Jaffe Joffer style.

I chuckled about that caption for a good five minutes after I posted it. If you ever see me chuckling at my phone, 98% of the time it's not because someone has said something funny to me, it's me laughing at my own wit. 

Hey, at least I amuse myself. 

Legit email exchange between Dad the the aunts

Aunt #1: Try this combination of salad, which is what I'm having now for lunch: arugula, sliced or halved marinated kumquats, (marinate them in a bit of EVOO for couple hours), sprinkles of blue cheese + a bit of olive oil and lemon juice. Very refreshing.

Aunt #2: What's EVOO?

me: Extra virgin olive oil.

Aunt #3: C'est quoi, EVOO?

Aunt #1: vina vient de dire: extra virgin olive oil

Dad: Extra virgin olive oil! Don't you watch cooking shows?!

Aunt #1: Only Rachel Ray calls it EVOO. The others, Bobby Flay, the fat Italian guy, and the Barefoot Contessa, they talk normally and don't abbreviate.

Aunt #2: I don't watch cooking shows. I watch Breaking Bad - they cook meth.

cannibals for cheeks

Strangers: stop saying you want to "eat my cheeks." Keep those cannibal thoughts to yourself.
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) December 19, 2013

and I won't have my sister, who was once the Queen of the Mardi Gras, sit at a table with a pickle-shooting train!

I tried to explain Nothing But Trouble, one of my favorite movies, to someone today. It did not go well. 

“Oh! It's this great movie with John Candy, Dan Akroyd, Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, even one of the Baldwin brothers, 2PAC IS IN IT! Chevy Chase and Demi Moore go on some road trip and they end up at this crazy jail/courthouse/funhouse situation. Dan Akroyd is this super crazy-ass old judge, some druggies get chomped in this wild can-crusher thing, there are these twins, Bobo and Lil Debil. YOU JUST GOTTA WATCH IT OK!!”

I don't care if Nothing But Trouble won a bunch of awards for being the worst movie ever. I love and quote it all the time, especially that pickle-shooting train line. Ah, that gets me every time. 

“hahahahah I can't wait to show this to Margaret.”

I posted this.

Baker Nathan commented this.

But my phone showed me this. 

if you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow

Chef Dan: vina, would you interweb that we have halibut for sale? Thank you.
me: I will interweb just for the halibut, Chef.

(no email response)

Come on, you have to admit that was totally brill.

Can't touch this

[and the award for best text goes to]
Stephanie: MC Hammer is in our office lololololol

I didn't know bliss could be attained by ordering food containers

This has been on my desktop for about two months now. I don't even, I mean, wtf, this is too good. Baby monkeys makin' me want to buy all the things on Fab. Shoot. 

You know you my negroni, right?

Overachieving phones, onion dip breakfasts, and my chefs being served up as eye candy for the lonely hearts

I couldn't resist, not after that blog title. I once woke up humming this song. Da best. 

Bottom Dollar, dawg.

me: I'm at Bottom Dollar Dog.

sqrlz: I don't know what that means.

me: It's a hot dog shack on Columbus (insert photo).

sqrlz: Oh! I've passed it! Awesome. I'm so happy that you weren't at an off-brand store, telling me your location, and calling me “dog.”

Star of Ewok

a. I heart Christmas trees.
b. I was originally going to have a dinosaur wearing a Santa hat, but then I saw the ewok.
c. sqrlz: Star of Ewok! Happy HannEwokUh
d. Popcorn garlands are not easy to make. Who thought of that shit? Boo on them.
e. These are the things that amuse me.

gimme little sugar

Side note, Jimmy Savile reminds me of Uncle Fester in Addams Family Values when he had on that ridiculous wig:

You know, just because.